A toddler struggling in the walker....in fathers lap wearing a towel.....oggling at the knife on the first birthday....enjoying a bucket chase....a part of a big,happy family....smiling cousins,adoring aunts ....doting grandparents.....picture perfect...isn't it?
Yes,these are are snapshots I come across when I try to go back in time....try to know where it all started...where the journey,MY journey started....and no,really I have not got any satisfying answers....and in this decade long of search I have lost track of a hundred more of beginnings...beginnings which now elude me with their mystery....
When did I make the two oldest friends of my life...and when did I outgrow their company,or they outgrew mine?When did I start questioning my parent's decisions and arguing them on it....when did I start having a mind of my own....having ideas of my own...when did I break of my shell and become this adamant individual who does not think twice before dealing a retort...?
I think when I became tired of being trodden on...being bogged down...of being the "sweeet little girl" who doesnt mind,or rather say a thing...
But being what I was was fun too....the uncomplicated feelings,the unmingled joys...they were reason enough to live for....and still are....
I live in the past....a lot of it...I still live the dressing up games I played with my cousin...I loved dressing him up in my "jewelleries" and make him look like a girl....I hope HE doesnt remember those days(entirely for my own safety!)...I live the long holidays at my grandparent's place.....jumping up and down to get to the box of prized bourbon biscuits kept on top....making a hot foam bath and using up a whole bottle of shampoo in the process....the horror-stricken nights of Jurassic Park....the mesmerising SRK-Kajol chemistry in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai...the dosa eating competitions(which I invariably lost,everytime)....the fights over who loves Dida more....the honest jealousy,the untainted companionship,the undemocratic criticism.....
I still live the pujas...the whole house humming with the festive spirit....the dressing up...the waiting at the gate for someone who is putting finishing touches on her make-up....for chasing down Baba because he walks too fast...the counting of heads so that nobody gets lost....the oral test of address and phone number in case we do...the intentional forgetting of water bottles so that we could get a Coke...the long nights with my sister exploring many naughty,and some not so naughty topics(she enlightened me on a lot of "ahem ahem" things)...the sharing of all that mattered....staying up till dawn cooking up fascinating stories....the taste of the phuchkas....the chicken kosha...the diligently following of "adult" serials,much to the annoyance of Ma-Baba...!!
The spirit when my whole family decided to play the ghost game after midnight in a deserted road after we had watched Dil toh Pagal Hai and I was dreaming of my own Rahul....the laughter in those family get-togethers....the humor in dropping a bucket full of coloured water from the 3rd floor terrace on somebody's head on Holi....the gojas and nimkis,the narkoler(coconut) mishti...the tea in a bowl with a dozen biscuits...the football matches in bed with my footballer brother....the nostalgia grips me,big time....
And then,we grew up,or so to say...we had operation aussies....we had guys wooing girls by intimidating some other poor soul....we had "politics" between friends....we had "conspiracies" and counter-conspiracies....we had doses of Marxism and intellectualism....we had arguments,about physics and much more....about rotation of benches,for instance....we had suddenly foung new significance in geography notes...new fun in certain bylanes...new enjoyment in weird hallucinations....
Yes....I can just go on and describe all those snippets flashing before my eyes....I can describe every single incident as vividly as ever...only that,they are not relevant....not now...not anymore.
Or so I thought....till I realised,without the roots the plant is non-existent,without a name the place is faceless...without Me,I am soulless....
And this was me....without the beginning...without the milestones....without the turns....it was Me...Me,the quicksand which I have now learnt to hold back....never to let go....because its just not worth it.
Yes,these are are snapshots I come across when I try to go back in time....try to know where it all started...where the journey,MY journey started....and no,really I have not got any satisfying answers....and in this decade long of search I have lost track of a hundred more of beginnings...beginnings which now elude me with their mystery....
When did I make the two oldest friends of my life...and when did I outgrow their company,or they outgrew mine?When did I start questioning my parent's decisions and arguing them on it....when did I start having a mind of my own....having ideas of my own...when did I break of my shell and become this adamant individual who does not think twice before dealing a retort...?
I think when I became tired of being trodden on...being bogged down...of being the "sweeet little girl" who doesnt mind,or rather say a thing...
But being what I was was fun too....the uncomplicated feelings,the unmingled joys...they were reason enough to live for....and still are....
I live in the past....a lot of it...I still live the dressing up games I played with my cousin...I loved dressing him up in my "jewelleries" and make him look like a girl....I hope HE doesnt remember those days(entirely for my own safety!)...I live the long holidays at my grandparent's place.....jumping up and down to get to the box of prized bourbon biscuits kept on top....making a hot foam bath and using up a whole bottle of shampoo in the process....the horror-stricken nights of Jurassic Park....the mesmerising SRK-Kajol chemistry in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai...the dosa eating competitions(which I invariably lost,everytime)....the fights over who loves Dida more....the honest jealousy,the untainted companionship,the undemocratic criticism.....
I still live the pujas...the whole house humming with the festive spirit....the dressing up...the waiting at the gate for someone who is putting finishing touches on her make-up....for chasing down Baba because he walks too fast...the counting of heads so that nobody gets lost....the oral test of address and phone number in case we do...the intentional forgetting of water bottles so that we could get a Coke...the long nights with my sister exploring many naughty,and some not so naughty topics(she enlightened me on a lot of "ahem ahem" things)...the sharing of all that mattered....staying up till dawn cooking up fascinating stories....the taste of the phuchkas....the chicken kosha...the diligently following of "adult" serials,much to the annoyance of Ma-Baba...!!
The spirit when my whole family decided to play the ghost game after midnight in a deserted road after we had watched Dil toh Pagal Hai and I was dreaming of my own Rahul....the laughter in those family get-togethers....the humor in dropping a bucket full of coloured water from the 3rd floor terrace on somebody's head on Holi....the gojas and nimkis,the narkoler(coconut) mishti...the tea in a bowl with a dozen biscuits...the football matches in bed with my footballer brother....the nostalgia grips me,big time....
And then,we grew up,or so to say...we had operation aussies....we had guys wooing girls by intimidating some other poor soul....we had "politics" between friends....we had "conspiracies" and counter-conspiracies....we had doses of Marxism and intellectualism....we had arguments,about physics and much more....about rotation of benches,for instance....we had suddenly foung new significance in geography notes...new fun in certain bylanes...new enjoyment in weird hallucinations....
Yes....I can just go on and describe all those snippets flashing before my eyes....I can describe every single incident as vividly as ever...only that,they are not relevant....not now...not anymore.
Or so I thought....till I realised,without the roots the plant is non-existent,without a name the place is faceless...without Me,I am soulless....
And this was me....without the beginning...without the milestones....without the turns....it was Me...Me,the quicksand which I have now learnt to hold back....never to let go....because its just not worth it.
And our summer holidays, spent building tents out of bedsheets and cooking up exotic dishes with potato peels and spices borrowed from Mami after much cajoling and assuring that we wouldnt waste it :P (sometimes stolen too), the torchlight talks under the bedsheet, lame alpahabet games,listening out for Mami's footsteps when we stayed up all night and talked about aforementioned things :P, our VERY OWN versions of KKHH and DTPH and hopelessly romantic serials, decked in sarees we fought over, Pujos and babubagan and ekdalia and rolls and coke and "who bought more dresses this year" competitions... yes childhood seems like it was eons back...
ReplyDeleteDid we outgrow each other? No, i think we just grew up.We found a different ME in ourselves.
Yes....these memeories are more missed,than forgotten...and yes,I could not have done better justie to the magical times we have shared....just makes me feel,digressing from the topic,that wish we could do some catching up...big time...:)
ReplyDeleteAnd ya,thanks for enriching the blog even more...:)
yes, catching up is on the cards. much.
ReplyDeletewell i miss the old times and the old me too. It was rather uncomplicated, though we wouldve disagreed at that point of time. :)
Haha.I'm a big blog whore.
I enjoy reading them as much as i enjoy writing them.
Till the next post,
Cheers!