Of Ambitions And Agressions and Confusions...

You know,when I entered college,I was in a daze...coming to think of it,I think the better part of my plus two was spent in a daze..the details fuzzy,but the results crystal clear. But then,it never really bothered me,I mean,not in the What-is-going-to-happen-to-me kind of way....nothing ever seems to affect me that way,ever. No dream,,no commodity,no current relationship(parents and room-mate are exceptions to all matter mentioned below ;-) )...
That got me to thinking,what really does affect me?I mean there has to be something which explains the sometimes rational,sometimes irrational things which I do. And after a long,really long thinking session,I was enligtened.
Being Right. Thats what matters to me...not being good,or bad,just right. Not right in the I-can-do-no-wrong way,but in a more reflective manner,where doing the right thing may not always be the wise thing.
I dont know why I am writing this..its been ages since I wrote something. Actually its been ages since I spoke my mind. A blog is not always the best way to speak your mind,but then,Im not famous. Yet.
The thing is,I have been doing a lot of wondering lately and the self enlightenment can be scary sometimes. Add to that freaky grandfather predictions(the predictions are freaky!),and I see a perfect  recipe for a disaster coming my way.
Oh well,this is just going to be a piece of really disconnected hard-to-find-meaning-of thoughts...I kindof feel that way lately...so many single trains of thought,all coming and merging and showing and hiding at the most inappropriate of times. Its almost irritating,how my brain keeps flitting from one zone to another. Does it happen with everyone?Or I am a real freak?! I definitely dont like to call myself a freak.Its freaky.
A couple days ago I was in despair over the kind of ambition people have,more so about the filthy thinking and agression that comes with the ambition...and that is when I realised that the only thing that separated me from them,was that I had an overriding obsession of being right,as I said earlier. Even in my thoughts,I need to be right. That doesnt mean that I dont have ambitions,only mine are harder to define and almost impossible to achieve till Im a senior citizen,so I have decided to be in peace for the next forty years.
In the fuzzy times,i never had any ambition,apart from getting through the day. Now,maybe I think about getting through the next week without causing a debacle.Surely thats an improvement?
Funnily enough,I have this image of a "good" girl (whatever that means) which makes me famous with all the He-is-just-like-my-grandfather kindof teachers.While in truth,I dont know how much of good I have ever been to my own grandfathers! Worthy to be mentioned,the image really doesnt do much "good" to Me,anyday.
There was a itme when I needed to talk abut everything,every single thing,you can say,when I was actually expressive. Now Im just too lazy to explain myself. And then I wonder,is it really so unthinkable to expect to be understood without expressing?Surely I am not the only one who feels this way? Who knows,maybe I am. I mean,its so much easier to just brood and wonder and sulk on your own than to actually untangle the mess that are your thoughts and lay it out for someone to read.
I dont know if this whole disorganosed brain is a phase or a nature,but the first time in a long time I feel self-dependent,if thats even a word! Is it wrong to be self-suffficient, aggressively so? To feel like you really dont need anything or anyone else other than time to be okay again?
I dont know. There kicks in my mechanism to be right again. Its tiring as a way and easy as a choice. Mostly.
Maybe ten years from now this all will be a daze too. But three pillars of my current existense, I just wish they are added to,not deducted. That feels just about right,forever.

Since Everybody Has Something To Say....

  Every once in a while,there comes a wave,where everybody seems to have something to say,about any and every thing,and this is one of those times.So,I thought,why stay behind?Just join in the tirade.
 The recurrring issue,currently,seems to be the safety of women in our country,rather,the absence of it.And theres no end to the blame game here.From the Government,to the wide male population in the whole country,to the politicians,to the random "Baba"s coming up with "brotherly" advices,nobody has been spared.Maybe,even rightly so.Recently a friend said,that all this outburst is because the rage had been simmering for a long time and it just needed an outlet.And that seems quite apt.As apt as during the Anna Hazare movement,which needs a few hits on google to be adequately remembered now.And as a lot of people do,even I believe this "rage" will die out soon enough,similar to the other "Rages" to have come and gone.
    But after reading hundreds on articles on the issue,the question that I have is that how an we expect others to "respect" women when they themselves dont?We look up to the Males of the society for respect,but dont look into ourselves.In some article I read,the writer had said,quite correctly,that men now want "sexy or slutty" girlfriends and "homely" sister,and "chick" friends..And we are perfectly fine being the "whores" to our partners.
 A lot of people would disagree with me,that language is not everything.That just language cannot denote decency.Maybe JUST language doesnt denote decency,but still,it potrays a lot.I study in a college where swearings fly at every other sentences,and even a couple of "item" spottings are also not uncommon.How many times has it happened that some man has tried to stand too close to you and YOU have moved away,rather than asking the man to?Even I have done that.Because,we say,in a few minutes,the journey would be over,so why get into a confrontation?And as soon as we get leave the bus,the man gets another women to stand close to.And many of these will be the typical "bhodrolok" of the society.
  I have had songs sung to me at roads,and moved away as fast as I can.Next time,probably these would be the men grabbing a girl passing by,because they know no one will protest.
How many times have we seen women facing the flak of the family while men get away with the same?How many times have we  seen mothers of girls telling daughters that there is a difference in being a girl and a boy,even though they spent all their lives savings on her education?How many times have we seen a boy being asked to mop the floor of the house in the maid's absence?The sad part is,women themselves want to perpetuate the inferiority gradient,intentionally or unintentionally.Mothers ask daughters to sacrifice their jobs,go with the husband,not the other way round,citing the responsibility of the child.How is the responsibility of a father any less than that of a mother.
 Mother-in-laws take in domestic violence on the daughter-in-law,and maybe even encourage it.Look up the burning cases,dowry cases,and more than often,the accused list includes more women than men.
  From what I have seen,women come together as a united front,only after something has already happened,not before that.And theres no guarantee that that united front can prevent any further occurences.
  Women still let themselves be treated as objects in our society,an object to be derived pleasured from.Wives are still mere trophies,and if a working wife earning a six figure salary,then a very expensive trophy.And we have such pride in the "working" part!
  Theres an imbibed sense of being inferior,or "different" as many would like to put in generations of women.And I think the permanent solution to the "country mindset" as I read somewhere,is only when we can start standing up for ourselves,in even the smallest of spaces.And maybe few generations later there would be an Indian society which would  have women  finally looking themselves in the eye.