Monday, October 2, 2017

Its Not Over Till It's Over

I used to be real proud of the way I write. Still am. Just,I don't write anymore. Haven't read a genuine novel in ages. Don't have the patience to read a complete full length article. Never try to look beyond the front page of the newspaper.
And the best part is,I don't even know why. Every time I ask myself the question,I manage to delude myself with some banal excuse or the other,but none of them are true,and I know that all the way. I guess this is what happens when you get too comfortable in the small cozy distracted space you have created for yourself. Its a special place, from where,like a spectator,you watch the whole show going on from plush luxurious seats-only, the show happens to be your life in all its glory. I can see all that is going wrong, and fathom all the repercussions from a mile away,but even then I feel trapped in this dark abyss of detachment. Wanting to care or make an effort seems like to much of a cost to pay to break away from the comfortable slumber of indifference.
Every single day that I continue to walk deeper into the plethora of excuses, I know somewhere that it just got even more difficult to get back. What I am stuck at right now, is how to get out of this? The obvious way is to consciously break away from the vicious cycle and begin to actually give a damn about what is going on,before it gets too late. But that also means opening up the gates to all that held safe for so long,and letting all those thoughts,feelings,emotions run amok over my consciousness. It would probably be better than this state of instability where every day seems like a new battle to overcome,and the biggest battles are those I fight with myself,to let the deep remain in the deep.
Is that battle really worth fighting? Is the cozy little detached space really so coveted? These are answers I look for everyday. Every now and then, I attempt to,or am forced to come out of this stupor and stare at life in the face. And I don't really like what I see. I don't even recognise the me I see in myself anymore,so far have I come from the age when I really used to stand for something. I do not know how this disillusionment started or where I left behind such huge parts of myself. Neither do I know how I am going to get it all back and put it together as a whole once again,they certainly seem like insurmountable odds right now. But what I am going to do is, gt up from my plush couch, and walk a small step closer to the action every day. It gets overwhelming now and then,when even a small speck of reality incites so much of turmoil,but every day I am going to attempt to take it on and learn to live it a little better than yesterday. I do not want to disown my own life,because that would mean disowning so many memories and so many people I have found,loved,lost and the few I have managed to keep till now. So, today, I solemnly told myself that I cannot be a bystander in my own life anymore. However hard it gets, I am going to walk towards all that drama and derision,one step at a time. And one step at a time, I am going to find myself again.