Sunday, September 1, 2013

Of Ambitions And Agressions and Confusions...

You know,when I entered college,I was in a daze...coming to think of it,I think the better part of my plus two was spent in a daze..the details fuzzy,but the results crystal clear. But then,it never really bothered me,I mean,not in the What-is-going-to-happen-to-me kind of way....nothing ever seems to affect me that way,ever. No dream,,no commodity,no current relationship(parents and room-mate are exceptions to all matter mentioned below ;-) )...
That got me to thinking,what really does affect me?I mean there has to be something which explains the sometimes rational,sometimes irrational things which I do. And after a long,really long thinking session,I was enligtened.
Being Right. Thats what matters to me...not being good,or bad,just right. Not right in the I-can-do-no-wrong way,but in a more reflective manner,where doing the right thing may not always be the wise thing.
I dont know why I am writing this..its been ages since I wrote something. Actually its been ages since I spoke my mind. A blog is not always the best way to speak your mind,but then,Im not famous. Yet.
The thing is,I have been doing a lot of wondering lately and the self enlightenment can be scary sometimes. Add to that freaky grandfather predictions(the predictions are freaky!),and I see a perfect  recipe for a disaster coming my way.
Oh well,this is just going to be a piece of really disconnected hard-to-find-meaning-of thoughts...I kindof feel that way many single trains of thought,all coming and merging and showing and hiding at the most inappropriate of times. Its almost irritating,how my brain keeps flitting from one zone to another. Does it happen with everyone?Or I am a real freak?! I definitely dont like to call myself a freak.Its freaky.
A couple days ago I was in despair over the kind of ambition people have,more so about the filthy thinking and agression that comes with the ambition...and that is when I realised that the only thing that separated me from them,was that I had an overriding obsession of being right,as I said earlier. Even in my thoughts,I need to be right. That doesnt mean that I dont have ambitions,only mine are harder to define and almost impossible to achieve till Im a senior citizen,so I have decided to be in peace for the next forty years.
In the fuzzy times,i never had any ambition,apart from getting through the day. Now,maybe I think about getting through the next week without causing a debacle.Surely thats an improvement?
Funnily enough,I have this image of a "good" girl (whatever that means) which makes me famous with all the He-is-just-like-my-grandfather kindof teachers.While in truth,I dont know how much of good I have ever been to my own grandfathers! Worthy to be mentioned,the image really doesnt do much "good" to Me,anyday.
There was a itme when I needed to talk abut everything,every single thing,you can say,when I was actually expressive. Now Im just too lazy to explain myself. And then I wonder,is it really so unthinkable to expect to be understood without expressing?Surely I am not the only one who feels this way? Who knows,maybe I am. I mean,its so much easier to just brood and wonder and sulk on your own than to actually untangle the mess that are your thoughts and lay it out for someone to read.
I dont know if this whole disorganosed brain is a phase or a nature,but the first time in a long time I feel self-dependent,if thats even a word! Is it wrong to be self-suffficient, aggressively so? To feel like you really dont need anything or anyone else other than time to be okay again?
I dont know. There kicks in my mechanism to be right again. Its tiring as a way and easy as a choice. Mostly.
Maybe ten years from now this all will be a daze too. But three pillars of my current existense, I just wish they are added to,not deducted. That feels just about right,forever.

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